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OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN!!!
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World�s End
Walt Disney Pictures
Directed by: Gore Verbinski
Written by: Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio
Starring: Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush, Bill Nighy and Chow Yun Fat
Budget: $300,000,000.00
There are no spoilers below. None at all. It might seem like it, but there aren't.
Pirates 3 is the worst film of the year. Period.
Now let me describe to you what being a "worst" film to me means. A worst film is one that could have been great. A film I thought would at the very least be good. It isn't a movie like Glitter or Spice World. We all knew those movies would be steaming piles of camel spunk. Pirates 3 obviously isn't one of those flicks. Pirates 3 is (EXPLETIVE DELETED) PIRATES 3. The awesome Jack Sparrow and pirates and high seas swashbuckling (I don't know what that means, all I know is that it is used to describe pirate movies and movies with Douglas Fairbanks and Errol Flynn) gooey goodness.
I'll give you my personal feelings of the first two Pirate flicks as I think that info would help someone understand where I am coming from. I (EXPLETIVE DELETED) LOVE THEM. Are they works of art? No. Are they great films? Not at all. Are they ridiculously fun? Absolutely. None of them have much of a story. I mean sure there is somewhat of a story in the first couple of these, but let�s be honest, it�s pretty loose. So what makes me love these first two you might ask. I love pirates (any self respecting nerd must love them some pirates), Johnny Depp (Jack Sparrow is one of the greatest characters ever), and some great awesome kinetic action. I know that Pirates 2 took a lot of heat for not being very good, but there were some action set pieces that were entirely original and popped off the screen. Besides all that, it was just a fun time at the pictures. I loved how they have set up, since the first frame of the first flick, that these movies were Keira Knightley's story. I loved that the primary character arc in the films was supposed to be a prim and proper lass becomes a pirate. There was just so much to love about those 2 films.
Reflecting on all the terrible blockbusters I have seen this year, the one I can compare Pirates 3 to is Planet Terror (I really really don�t like Planet Terror, in case you were wondering). Planet Terror started off solid. Rose McGowen Go Go dancing to the stylish music. Awesome. From the first frame of the film they set up a good tone (and great eye candy). They do some decent stuff for a few more minutes and then the movie spirals off into a series of sometimes really cool details (machine gun leg, Michael Biehn, Tom Savini, gore, etc.) that are "strung" (actually there really is no string) together. It spirals out of control into total and utter bollocks. So much total and utter bollocks that it gets boring. How could a �zany� zombieish movie get boring? Well, frankly, when you have no story and you can�t seem to get a performance out of any of your performers, a film gets boring. See, all these cool details never amount to anything because a film needs a strong and sold script with this small revolutionary idea known as a story. Woops. His bad.
Now Pirates 3 started off amazing, the opening scene with the hangings, Davey Jones blasting ships, and so on. The opening was so strong in fact that I found myself whispering "poetry" aloud. Then the movie starts spiraling into a whirlpool (yes that is a reference that you'll notice post movie). There are in fact the great details (spoiler free: midget and a big gun, monkey and a parrot with a gun, a toe and some snow, Keith Richards and a guitar, and a scene of Davey Jones playing the organ). None of this however amounts to anything at all. Remember, this movie is 3 hours long (and what a long 3 hours it is). There needs to be a cohesive story to go along with amazing details. In fact, I�ll just settle for a story...ANY STORY!!!! This movie was literally back stab, back stab, back stab, back stab, oh wait hold on, let's backstab one more bloody time!!!! What the flying hell??? Mind you, not one of these supposed twists made a lick of sense. Do we find out Beckett and Sparrow's history that they set up in 2 and reminded us of again in this one (believe me they did, there is that shot of the branding)?? Nope. Does anything set up pay off??? Nope. This movie insults your intelligence and then to top it off it bores you to death. There isn't even any action. None!!!! Well, until the end battle (but I won't say anything about as I promised you no spoilers), which was boring, pointless and didn�t pay off the buildup! I WANTED TO HAVE FUN. I don't expect Academy Award anything, except for effects maybe. My friend Brian told me that on the Pirates 2 special features they were talking about how they didn�t have a script when they started shooting part 3... and it shows. There is no script. None. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. You know what seemed to happen when they were writing this? Every single time they had an idea that was so bad that they couldn't help but laugh at, they decided to include it. I swear to the proverbial god! You know when you are writing and you think "Hey wouldn't it be hilarious if a bear jumped out of the woods and started to knit with little red riding hood???". You and your writing partner laugh and laugh and laugh, but of course never write it down. These writers did... and what�s worse is that no one thought to take it out of the script. I think the caliber of writing was summed up when a character actually said, "You have always owned my heart so you keep it and protect it." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I know 13 year olds that could come up with something better than that. Oh and P.S. learn something about tone. You guys have no idea how to balance tone at all. You used to know how. I know you did. The first 2 films in this series proved it. Another pointer for the dynamic duo of writers on this film, take a class on pacing!!! I never thought I'd say this, but I wish they learned the Joel Silver concept of action pacing... 10 pages and an action beat. At least then this film would have had something to keep me from shifting in my seat for 180 minutes.
Performance! Jack Sparrow. Where was he??? Wasn't he the main reason the first 2 (number 1 in particular) were so much fun??????? He was barely in this movie. I mean sure, the little screen time he has was awesome, but like I said, little screen time. Geoffrey Rush was good, until the end when it seemed like he was parodying his own character. It was so sad watching a dignified actor turn tricks like this. Speaking of dignified actor turning tricks, how about Chow Yun Fat???? He was atrocious. Razzie bad. So bad, I was so embarrassed for him I shed tears. Pathetic. Mind you, I respect him immensely as an actor...especially his Hong Kong John Woo days. He has class, dignity and a certain sense of cool to him. He in fact was one reason I thought this movie would be amazing. Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom were the same level of cardboard that they usually are. In all fairness, Keira Knightley isn�t usually bad. In fact, there have been several films that I liked her in a lot, but in this, forget about it. If you need a reference point for that, just watch her speech that she was supposed to use to rouse the shipmates. So funny people were laughing. Orlando is just Orlando, flat stale garbage. Nothing else is needed to be said. 28 Days Later chick was painful to watch. Bill Nighy was superb. But we all knew he would be.
Gore Verbinski. I root for you like no other. You used to be in a Punk band. You got your start making Punk band music videos. You made The Ring remake (which I dig). You made the first 2 Pirates films. You had Michael Caine describe what a Camel Toe is. You are the guy I want to make it in Hollywood. I still hope you make another great film. You just don't have me going to the theaters because you are behind the camera anymore.
I could go on longer, but my fingers are getting tired. That and my thoughts are all over the place. Besides this review has turned into the movie... you want it to end so badly, yet it keeps going and going and going. I had such faith in this film. All parties involved have scared me away from the mainstream theaters this summer. With the exception of Knocked Up and Superbad that is.
P.S. - If you like this movie, you better put up a very good case for it, because I literally will have no respect for you what so ever if you say you liked this film. It is that awfully bad.
--Mr. Blaine
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